Eyebrows

So lately Husband has been taking a liking to calling me Eyebrows. No it is not because I have big busy ones or none at all. Apparently I have developed a habit of furrowing them together for all reasons: the sun is bright, I am thinking, I am scowling, I am giving a look of total bewilderment (something I have to say the Husband brings on quite frequently).

So all this thinking about eyebrows has got me thinking about how important they are. I think most ladies will agree that eyebrows are VERY important. Especially any woman who has trusted her face (yes it affects your WHOLE DAMN FACE) to someone who has been state certified, yes state certified, who went to school to learn exactly how to pluck and wax away little hairs and make some art on your face.

This, of course, has happened to me a number of times; thankfully all of them were as bad as the two I am about to tell you about.

Bad eyebrow wax #1: Husband decides that he needs to get a haircut so we head off to Supercuts before we head to Olive Garden for dinner (I know we seem so middle-aged sometimes). I am standing there thinking I really need a wax and I had a good one from that Australian girl at the other Supercuts that time I’ll give it a whirl. Now let’s take into perspective that I have been receiving eyebrows waxes since I was roughly 17; so we are talking almost 10 years of receiving waxing experience. So she sits me back (her eyebrows are a little thin but that’s ok right it is just her preference is running through my head) and starts to apply some wax. She puts some wax in between my eyes and puts a little strip down, ok good so far. Then she leaves it there. She does not push down grab and pull which is normal wax procedure. She keeps pushing down nice and hard making sure it is forever bound to my skin. Then she applies wax under one arch and applied strip and repeats while never pulling off my other strip. It is at this point that I am starting to sweat enough to fill a shot glass and noting that I am going to need one large vodka once this is over. I am thinking at this point that I need to say, “ok no thanks, may I please have some solvent please because there is no way I am letting you pull these off my skin; you will take my face with it, where in the hell did you receive your training you eyebrow waxing hack.” But I didn’t. I laid there and took it. Sure enough she removed at least 2 layers of skin on both sides of my face and left me with a gaping hole in my right eyebrow that I had to pencil in until it grew back.

So you would think that after that experience I would on let someone who had previsouly wax me do it again, of course not! You see we smart girls sometime we just ain’t that smart. We have off days; we get desperate. Not to mention the lady who normally waxed my eyebrows (and usually did a good job) started giving me attitude. It seems like in the last few years I am so bothering her to call and ask if I can get an eye wax. I mean seriously it takes like 3 minutes and you make 15 bucks I don’t see the problem, but whatever.

Which leads me to Bad Eyebrow wax #2. I was getting a pedicure at this little Asian place around the corner from my house. (I know you can already feel where this is going) I needed a touch up; we are talking no shaping of any kind. There were just a few big dark ones that were growing in faster than the others and I wanted them taken care of. My favorite pedicurist also does wax. So I thought well I can check it out I don’t need shaping or anything so I will try her out. It is like a super simple wax. So she takes me back, I lie down, she asks and I say “just a little clean up here [I point] no shaping.” She takes this to mean please remove my whole eyebrow. It doesn’t feel like she takes too much off really as she applies the knowing wax, strip, press, then off maneuver I know and trust. She even does the thing where she brushes the hairs up with a comb and then trims the hair (all fine I know some very expensive people who do this). She gives me a mirror I am thinking ok a little thin, I go to my car and look in the mirror and am horrified by what is staring back at me. I mean we are talking Asian hoodlum BIG TIME. I look like I belonged in China town and pissed off at something at that. Not exactly a good look for a Portuguese girl. I have to say I have seen some beautiful Asian girls with super thin eyebrows by us chicas the Portugies- we don’t do thin eyebrows. So I go home and my Mom calls which means I immediately start bawling and she is like what is wrong with you. I tell her my story she laughs and says how bad? Can you comb down and me, “nope we are in a drawing on situation only.” She says, “Aw honey I am sorry. I was just calling to tell you that Grandma is in the hospital and she is going to have to have 1 maybe 2 toes removed on Monday.” Me: Total and complete silence. Mom: Now that ought to give you some perspective. At least yours will grow back. And don’t you ever tell your Grandmother I said that; something tells me she won’t think it is as funny as we do.

Well mine did grow back, slowly over 2 months. I finally went to get them re-shaped by someone very trusted and she was like “oh honey I can do my best but we can’t shape them normally; there are some bald spots under here.” Which sends me into an internal mutter, “Damn lady does not know how to wax a frigging eyebrow and I have to keep paying for it, I am never letting her or someone I don’t know, or wasn’t explicitly referred wax my eyebrows again.” At which point if Husband could hear my thoughts (thank goodness he cannot) he would have called me Homer and laughed his ass off yet again.