An update...I am feeling better. Doctor says everything is good; my body did exactly what it was supposed to. When I think of it now it isn't a surprise to my mind anymore. For days before I kept realizing it and it was like I was finding out all over again. I guess my mind has accepted it now. It is something sucky that happened; but it is so not the end. Thank you all dear friends for your kinds words and your support. We have felt very supported, cared for, and loved. We are thankful for you guys.
Some women love handbags, diamonds, or chocolate. Not me; I love shoes.
The more outrageous the better. The people who actually know me can see that I am really more of a "brown" person. I don't wear a lot of prints or geometric shapes. I don't really own anything with flowers or decoration (unless they are PJ's which is my one other obsession). But when it comes to shoes I can't help but want the bright patent leather 4 inches that happen to be teal (which I own- they have a bow) or fuschia (which I am looking to own). I have heels with bows, buckles, zebra stripes, beads. It is almost personal to let someone look at my more bizarre shoes like somehow I am telling you a secret about myself that only Husband and a few select people know. Yes, my name is Erica and I am addicted to hot shoes.
The not so surprising thing...it is all my Mother's fault. I mean it really isn't, but talk about a women who loves her shoes. I am actually unaware of how many different pairs of black pumps my Mom has; let alone other colors. She has the dazzling red shiny pumps that I have coveted for years. I really don't know how my Sister turned out to be a purse girl seeing as how she had two shoe women as examples. I guess you can't teach everyone right? :) (She is probably sticking her tongue out at me right now).
So all of this to tell you that Husband bought me one of the hottest pairs of shoes that I am proud to say that I now own on Monday night. They are high, gold and brown, shiny, and they even have some areas of dark gold snake print. They are just crazy enough without looking super trashy. You may wonder why this is a big deal. Well I'll let you in on the scene of almost every shoe acquisition I have ever had while Husband was present:
H: Seriously...do you have room for those?
Me: Of course! I have room for like 5 more boxes high and 6 across on the top of my closet and when I run out of that room there is plenty of room in one of the three other closets in our house that is hosing piles of paper and crap that can be moved.
H: We are not moving my stuff out of closets for shoes.
Me: Well we dont have to there is plenty of room in my closet.
H: Ok well don't you already have a black pair of shoes?
Me: Well yes babe but the black ones that are short only go with long jeans and the tall ones with the buckle go well with skirts but not pants because then you can't see the buckle. But not all skirts because they are not exactly super conservative....etc. After about two explanations of this he is usually laughing or giving me the, "are you shitting me" look.
This time he was like those are great you should get them. It was an incredibly sweet moment and I felt understood and loved. I told him he doesn't need to buy me shoes to be a good Husband but he said he wanted to score some points. If you hate them just don't tell me.
I am feeling pretty damn lost this morning. As I write this I am still in bed at 12:38 on a Saturday afternoon. It is a gorgeous day all cloudy and gloomy outside. I have to say that growing up in California I love to have a break in the sun now and then and see the gloom. It normally makes me even more happy, but today it is just wonderfully complimentary to my mood. Because you see I lost something yesterday; my first baby. The one that I have been waiting for my whole life.
I have always wanted to be a mother, always. I don't even know how to explain that this would just always be a part of my life. I guess a part of me just always assumed that it would be so easy since I knew that I was supposed to be a mother. I have always been the type to just persevere and do whatever it is I put my mind to. That has often helped me with things in life like finishing college when I wasn't always sure that I could; but I can't make this happen. I can't just do this because we decided to. That was difficult for me when we were trying; and even more difficult for me today. Seeing that second pink line was absolutely one of the coolest moments of my life. The day I read that my baby had a heartbeat made me feel like my own heart would explode. If it even did. Some of the tests suggest that things weren't going well even back then; we just didn't know it yet.
Fast forward to the news; just at 7 weeks and there is nothing I can do to make it better. And it hurts. Everything hurts. My Mom and Step-Dad drive home from L.A. my Sister comes to Erica sit, they cook and clean and take care of me. And why they are here I don't think too much. It's hard because I still feel pregnant. I woke up on Thursday and everything was fine and I went to bed on Thursday knowing that I was losing it-our baby; my body fails me. I hear that this doesn't really mean anything and that it doesn't mean that it will happen again, but now I am afraid. Even more than I was before. What if I am one of those people who this always happens to? Will I get to my dream of being a mother?
I guess I am just looking for something that will make me feel better, something that will make our pain go away. I thought writing about it might help. It just hurts emotionally and physically; and I am so exhausted. Thank you dear people who knew; for your kind words and hugs if you were close enough to give them. We are blessed to have such great people in our lives. I have to say of all the things this weekend has made me feel- incredibly loved was surely one of them.