I am feeling pretty damn lost this morning. As I write this I am still in bed at 12:38 on a Saturday afternoon. It is a gorgeous day all cloudy and gloomy outside. I have to say that growing up in California I love to have a break in the sun now and then and see the gloom. It normally makes me even more happy, but today it is just wonderfully complimentary to my mood. Because you see I lost something yesterday; my first baby. The one that I have been waiting for my whole life.
I have always wanted to be a mother, always. I don't even know how to explain that this would just always be a part of my life. I guess a part of me just always assumed that it would be so easy since I knew that I was supposed to be a mother. I have always been the type to just persevere and do whatever it is I put my mind to. That has often helped me with things in life like finishing college when I wasn't always sure that I could; but I can't make this happen. I can't just do this because we decided to. That was difficult for me when we were trying; and even more difficult for me today. Seeing that second pink line was absolutely one of the coolest moments of my life. The day I read that my baby had a heartbeat made me feel like my own heart would explode. If it even did. Some of the tests suggest that things weren't going well even back then; we just didn't know it yet.
Fast forward to the news; just at 7 weeks and there is nothing I can do to make it better. And it hurts. Everything hurts. My Mom and Step-Dad drive home from L.A. my Sister comes to Erica sit, they cook and clean and take care of me. And why they are here I don't think too much. It's hard because I still feel pregnant. I woke up on Thursday and everything was fine and I went to bed on Thursday knowing that I was losing it-our baby; my body fails me. I hear that this doesn't really mean anything and that it doesn't mean that it will happen again, but now I am afraid. Even more than I was before. What if I am one of those people who this always happens to? Will I get to my dream of being a mother?
I guess I am just looking for something that will make me feel better, something that will make our pain go away. I thought writing about it might help. It just hurts emotionally and physically; and I am so exhausted. Thank you dear people who knew; for your kind words and hugs if you were close enough to give them. We are blessed to have such great people in our lives. I have to say of all the things this weekend has made me feel- incredibly loved was surely one of them.