Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Hi, I'm Erica and I am avoiding myself

It has been so hard for me to even think about blogging since the beginning of the year. It hasn’t been because I have been busy (although I have) or that I have writer’s block. To put it plain and simply I have been hiding.

I read once that when you tell people what you intend to do that it takes some of the excitement out of actually accomplishing something and the best way to buckle down and achieve your goals is to just keep your mouth shut and do it. However, in this situation I don’t think that is going to work for me. I need people to hold me accountable and encourage me. I have always been more a village person; and that isn’t to say that I don’t do anything on my own or that I don’t have any inner strength. I have always just more lived out there for people to see; good or bad. I have been blessed with good friendships and I don’t embarrass easily. This leads to my being asked for advice or to people unloading on me because they think I can take it or that I have been through something similar. I am sure a therapist could gleefully explain to you that when people ask me for help it brings me joy; and obviously sadness depending on the situation. Basically, I like to be needed.

Anyhow so I have been doing a lot of reflection about myself: where I am at, who I am, and who I want to be. I really haven’t thought of any of this as any sort of resolution type thing but more like just a general life goal. I, of course, want to look thinner and feel healthier. I’d like to get healthy and start exercising but that really isn’t what this is about.

I feel like I have spent the past few years just standing by watching my life happen by just doing my best to get through the day to day. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said, “Well when the babies are older” or “Maybe when I am not nursing anymore.” I got married while I was in college is 2005 (after dating for 3 years) and had my first baby in 2009. The Husband and I had a few years to ourselves being selfish and doing things that we wanted to do whenever. We had dates, stayed up late, I read several books a week, we went to Europe…. We were more than ready to have babies and settle down when we got pregnant with C and honestly the timing was perfect for us. I would be lying if I said I never cried about wanting 5 minutes to myself or to use the bathroom without a toddler banging on the door. However, I jumped into parenthood and never looked back and I really am happy with having this super domestic life right now. The problem isn’t that we had babies or that we even had them 21 months apart; the problem is that I don’t think I am fully living this life.

If any of you have a 2 year old, an 8 month old, and a job outside the home (or inside the home for that matter) then you know how much time it takes to take care of all of that. I think I have got lost in the shuffle; although, to be perfectly honest, this aspect of me has always been there. For example, recently I attended a birthday party for my niece. Eventually my Sister broke out her xbox Kinect thing and some dancing game. Per my usual I politely declined playing several times. It wasn’t until my Sister looked pretty bummed (as an older Sister I can’t stand putting that look on her face) that I agreed to do it. I felt like a total idiot dancing in front of her Husband’s whole family; but I did it, and you know what, it was fun.

My Sister has always been very aware of who she is and really has never cared what people think about her; whereas I have always been a talker and a joker (I can make people laugh) but other than that I would rather fade into the background. I am more of a Chandler I guess you can say. Well a Chandler seasons 1-4 pre Monica; except that as an adult I’ve always had my Husband.

In a nutshell I feel like I need to start being more of a DO-er. Instead of wishing I could be more crafty I want to just sit down and learn to crochet. Instead of lamenting how behind I am in scrapbooking I want to get up early, clean off my desk, and just DO it. Instead of thinking about taking C to the park on Saturday and then instead spend the time cleaning I want to leave the stupid laundry and take her. I want to get out there and try out a few churches and find a new home church.

I spend way too much time mired in the things I HAVE to do that I never get to the things I WANT to do. I need to start redefining the things I set as priorities and make time to do more things for fun. Who cares if I am dirt tired on Monday if I spent the weekend well?
I know sounds easy right; just do it and all that. Well it isn’t. It is February 14, 2012 and I haven’t yet done any of those things. I am not accomplishing these goals on my own. SO I guess I am putting it out there. I am officially on a quest to find a balance between the things I have to do and the things I want to do. I want to take more risks and try more things. I want to find that balance between being a good Mom, a good wife, and good to myself. Is that possible? Does it exist? I guess I’ll find out.

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