New Pregnant Dreams

So the freaky pregnant dreams are here…and with a vengeance. I almost thought that I was going to be immune and they would never appear. The strangest thing about that is that I have extremely vivid and often completely ridiculous dreams on a normal basis. And that is even without Nyquil; you throw Nyquil into the mix and I never know what my subconscious will do.

I once had a dream about this really scary old man. I was with Husband and his best friend in this large like warehouse thing that had all sorts of trinkets and inventions that were haphazardly strewn about; a lot like Doc’s house in Back to the Future. There was this old elevator looking thing that was suspending from the ceiling that looked like a metal container and had a wheel with spokes that turned on the outside to lock a person, or something else, in. It looked like the container that they lock the glowing girl in to transport her to the U.S. in the animated movie Atlantis. So anyway this crazy old man with nutso hair like Einstein shows up at some point and we lock him in there. And no I don’t know why. So we (Husband and I) go into this little room to sleep and the room has two doors on the wall that faces the bed. I wake up in the middle of the night (in the dream) and realize that I have heard a noise. So I get up and go lock the farthest (I know stupid) of the two doors as it was ajar. I run and leap back into bed and put my head under the covers. About the time I realize I didn’t lock the other door. I lift my head out to get up again and there is the OLD MAN leaning over me and reaching out; and he looked pissed. It is at this point that I wake up screaming and scare the living crap out of Husband. Our closet door is on my side of the bed and I swear to this day I cannot sleep with that door ajar. Every once in a while if Husband is being a pain he will tell go close the closet door you don’t want the old man coming out tonight which scares the crap out of me right before I go to bed. I know, isn’t he so sweet?

So yes that is an old dream; but this week a very unusual thing happened to me. I started a dream on Sunday night and Monday night when I went back to sleep it picked back up where I left off. Now that is a subconscious that likes to have the last word. Apparently it hates my incessant nighttime peeing and my morning alarm as much as I do. So starting Sunday night, in the dream, apparently my Mother and Step-Dad did something illegal and flee the country. CJ and I were able to arrange some sort of secret meeting with someone who was able to give us a clue to there whereabouts. I know there was a lighthouse involved (I recently read a book that centered on one) and I know that we found out they were on an island. We were not sure how we were going to get there. So then Monday night Sister and BIL (bro-in-law) join our cause and we are all trying to figure out how we are going to get there together. I know lawn chairs were involved in that discussion but I cannot remember in which way. For all I know I may have just been sitting on one; it was bamboo. So I tell my Mom about this yesterday and caution her from doing anything illegal (which is hilarious if you knew how straight laced my Moms is) and her response is well crap what else am I supposed to do this weekend? So yes folks that is apparently where I get it from.

So in the wee hours of this morning I wake up to pee; again. As I am walking to the bathroom I realize I am freezing which quickly segues into the fact that I am no longer wearing a shirt. About this time I logically (imagine that) remember that I had gotten something on my shirt and had taken it off. Which leads me to think (while peeing) but I was sleeping how did I get my shirt dirty? As I walk back to bed I remember that a bird had pooped on my shirt; which took me back to the “what the hell I was sleeping” thought. Then I am like great you are a dumbass. So yes a bird pooped on my shirt in a dream which apparently leads to me waking up in the middle of the night and taking my shirt off so my bed doesn’t get dirty.

Last night in yet another dream I also apparently needed to attend a pre-natal appointment. I am guessing that Husband couldn’t come because Red was attending with me. So we are led into this very large examining room and I am told to get undressed. I nicely tell the assistant that this is just a check-up and I am not due for any kind of physical today. She says yes you are you have ____ (some test I cannot remember) and you will need to wear this gown. This scary large woman then comes in and starts pouring me a glass of this radioactive stuff that smells like bananas. Now let me tell you that I have had to drink similar stuff before for a CT scan and it-is-not-pretty. So they are both saying you need this test so just drink it. The little nurse says well it isn’t as bad as an amniocentesis and I am like what are you people talking about? I yell I am 25 years old and in good health I don’t need any of your crazy stupid tests and burst into tears. I quickly woke up and actually I think that is when I discovered I was no longer wearing my shirt. J

News!

A good friend of mine who apparently reads my blog (very cool btw) has mentioned to me over the past few weeks that I have sorely neglected my readership. I think she may be the only one but nevertheless it is a bummer when my favorite blogs don’t write in forever; I mean they do know we need escape from work here and there right?

It was hard to write in my blog there for a while because Husband and I were trying to keep the fact that I got pregnant again right away under wraps. Surprisingly enough, we actually accomplished this. So yes I am pregnant again. I am 14 weeks tomorrow and I am feeling great- well emotionally; physically I feel like crap most of the time. Although the all day everyday nausea has seemingly wore off I am still ridiculously exhausted, my back almost always aches, I get terrible headaches almost daily, and apparently heartburn has taken up permanent residence in my body. I fear it has completed it’s take over and will now occupy my digestive tract for another 26 weeks. And of course that thought makes we want to cry and stop eating in general; which would make me very cranky and would have an obviously negative impact on Jelly Bean. So eat I do but nothing sounds good anymore because of the heartburn or the raging headache that makes my head spin.

But enough of the complaints because I am so freaking excited! I know how much of a blessing it is to be pregnant right now and for things to be going well. Jelly Bean appears to be healthy and right on track. This experience has been so different than the one before it. I could feel from 6 weeks that my body was different and that this time things would be different and the doctor confirmed this time was different. Although in the first few weeks every time I felt a twinge or had to pee I quickly made my way to the bathroom to check out the situation. That was when my heart would start pounding and sometimes my breath would catch. Was it just pee? The sigh of relief every time I got a pee only paper reading was exhausting. It was shortly after this time that I just sort of felt a peace about the situation. Although the thought of losing another baby made me feel like I was going to hyperventilate; I dealt with it.

The morning that I found out I was pregnant followed a very busy Thanksgiving weekend where we had done some traveling and I had drank some cocktails. This coupled with what happened in October had Husband reeling (not to mention it was his birthday and I took the test at 6:15 a.m.) and so he sort of freaked out so then I sort of freaked out and called my Mom bawling at 6:45 in the morning. She assured me that every thing was probably fine and that this baby needed a Mom who could handle the things life threw at her. Coming from my Mom this was like a WOW. My Mom knows a lot about being a Mom in the face of sometimes really crappy situations. Anyway she was excited and it spread to me.

Fast forward at my 6 week doctor appointment they did an U/S and we were able to see that the baby had in fact implanted into the uterine wall. At 9 weeks we were able to see some arm buds and the heartbeat beating on the screen. It is like this little blinking section of the color part of the baby. It was crazy. It happens so fast. I really wish they would let you sit in there for at least 5 minutes and just get to stare you know. Anyway at 12 weeks we heard the heartbeat and that was amazing. It wasn’t until we were walking out of the doctor’s office that I started to cry. It really is just an amazing, amazing thing. So now here I am almost 14 weeks and loving this situation. It is hard sometimes knowing that so much is still up in the air. My work situation is in limbo until we know what Husband will do. He recently completed his degree so if he stays with his current employer than I will be taking a short maternity leave and I will back to work full time; no clue as to what town Jelly bean will be in day care yet. If he changes then I may be able to take a longer maternity leave and come back part time. Only time will tell we just have to wait it out and see. But either way we are both thrilled and cannot wait!

Getting Better

An update...I am feeling better. Doctor says everything is good; my body did exactly what it was supposed to. When I think of it now it isn't a surprise to my mind anymore. For days before I kept realizing it and it was like I was finding out all over again. I guess my mind has accepted it now. It is something sucky that happened; but it is so not the end. Thank you all dear friends for your kinds words and your support. We have felt very supported, cared for, and loved. We are thankful for you guys.

Shoes

I am one of those women who loves shoes.

Some women love handbags, diamonds, or chocolate. Not me; I love shoes.

The more outrageous the better. The people who actually know me can see that I am really more of a "brown" person. I don't wear a lot of prints or geometric shapes. I don't really own anything with flowers or decoration (unless they are PJ's which is my one other obsession). But when it comes to shoes I can't help but want the bright patent leather 4 inches that happen to be teal (which I own- they have a bow) or fuschia (which I am looking to own). I have heels with bows, buckles, zebra stripes, beads. It is almost personal to let someone look at my more bizarre shoes like somehow I am telling you a secret about myself that only Husband and a few select people know. Yes, my name is Erica and I am addicted to hot shoes.

The not so surprising thing...it is all my Mother's fault. I mean it really isn't, but talk about a women who loves her shoes. I am actually unaware of how many different pairs of black pumps my Mom has; let alone other colors. She has the dazzling red shiny pumps that I have coveted for years. I really don't know how my Sister turned out to be a purse girl seeing as how she had two shoe women as examples. I guess you can't teach everyone right? :) (She is probably sticking her tongue out at me right now).

So all of this to tell you that Husband bought me one of the hottest pairs of shoes that I am proud to say that I now own on Monday night. They are high, gold and brown, shiny, and they even have some areas of dark gold snake print. They are just crazy enough without looking super trashy. You may wonder why this is a big deal. Well I'll let you in on the scene of almost every shoe acquisition I have ever had while Husband was present:

H: Seriously...do you have room for those?

Me: Of course! I have room for like 5 more boxes high and 6 across on the top of my closet and when I run out of that room there is plenty of room in one of the three other closets in our house that is hosing piles of paper and crap that can be moved.

H: We are not moving my stuff out of closets for shoes.

Me: Well we dont have to there is plenty of room in my closet.

H: Ok well don't you already have a black pair of shoes?

Me: Well yes babe but the black ones that are short only go with long jeans and the tall ones with the buckle go well with skirts but not pants because then you can't see the buckle. But not all skirts because they are not exactly super conservative....etc. After about two explanations of this he is usually laughing or giving me the, "are you shitting me" look.

This time he was like those are great you should get them. It was an incredibly sweet moment and I felt understood and loved. I told him he doesn't need to buy me shoes to be a good Husband but he said he wanted to score some points. If you hate them just don't tell me.

A Little Lost

I am feeling pretty damn lost this morning. As I write this I am still in bed at 12:38 on a Saturday afternoon. It is a gorgeous day all cloudy and gloomy outside. I have to say that growing up in California I love to have a break in the sun now and then and see the gloom. It normally makes me even more happy, but today it is just wonderfully complimentary to my mood. Because you see I lost something yesterday; my first baby. The one that I have been waiting for my whole life.

I have always wanted to be a mother, always. I don't even know how to explain that this would just always be a part of my life. I guess a part of me just always assumed that it would be so easy since I knew that I was supposed to be a mother. I have always been the type to just persevere and do whatever it is I put my mind to. That has often helped me with things in life like finishing college when I wasn't always sure that I could; but I can't make this happen. I can't just do this because we decided to. That was difficult for me when we were trying; and even more difficult for me today. Seeing that second pink line was absolutely one of the coolest moments of my life. The day I read that my baby had a heartbeat made me feel like my own heart would explode. If it even did. Some of the tests suggest that things weren't going well even back then; we just didn't know it yet.

Fast forward to the news; just at 7 weeks and there is nothing I can do to make it better. And it hurts. Everything hurts. My Mom and Step-Dad drive home from L.A. my Sister comes to Erica sit, they cook and clean and take care of me. And why they are here I don't think too much. It's hard because I still feel pregnant. I woke up on Thursday and everything was fine and I went to bed on Thursday knowing that I was losing it-our baby; my body fails me. I hear that this doesn't really mean anything and that it doesn't mean that it will happen again, but now I am afraid. Even more than I was before. What if I am one of those people who this always happens to? Will I get to my dream of being a mother?

I guess I am just looking for something that will make me feel better, something that will make our pain go away. I thought writing about it might help. It just hurts emotionally and physically; and I am so exhausted. Thank you dear people who knew; for your kind words and hugs if you were close enough to give them. We are blessed to have such great people in our lives. I have to say of all the things this weekend has made me feel- incredibly loved was surely one of them.

Eyebrows

So lately Husband has been taking a liking to calling me Eyebrows. No it is not because I have big busy ones or none at all. Apparently I have developed a habit of furrowing them together for all reasons: the sun is bright, I am thinking, I am scowling, I am giving a look of total bewilderment (something I have to say the Husband brings on quite frequently).

So all this thinking about eyebrows has got me thinking about how important they are. I think most ladies will agree that eyebrows are VERY important. Especially any woman who has trusted her face (yes it affects your WHOLE DAMN FACE) to someone who has been state certified, yes state certified, who went to school to learn exactly how to pluck and wax away little hairs and make some art on your face.

This, of course, has happened to me a number of times; thankfully all of them were as bad as the two I am about to tell you about.

Bad eyebrow wax #1: Husband decides that he needs to get a haircut so we head off to Supercuts before we head to Olive Garden for dinner (I know we seem so middle-aged sometimes). I am standing there thinking I really need a wax and I had a good one from that Australian girl at the other Supercuts that time I’ll give it a whirl. Now let’s take into perspective that I have been receiving eyebrows waxes since I was roughly 17; so we are talking almost 10 years of receiving waxing experience. So she sits me back (her eyebrows are a little thin but that’s ok right it is just her preference is running through my head) and starts to apply some wax. She puts some wax in between my eyes and puts a little strip down, ok good so far. Then she leaves it there. She does not push down grab and pull which is normal wax procedure. She keeps pushing down nice and hard making sure it is forever bound to my skin. Then she applies wax under one arch and applied strip and repeats while never pulling off my other strip. It is at this point that I am starting to sweat enough to fill a shot glass and noting that I am going to need one large vodka once this is over. I am thinking at this point that I need to say, “ok no thanks, may I please have some solvent please because there is no way I am letting you pull these off my skin; you will take my face with it, where in the hell did you receive your training you eyebrow waxing hack.” But I didn’t. I laid there and took it. Sure enough she removed at least 2 layers of skin on both sides of my face and left me with a gaping hole in my right eyebrow that I had to pencil in until it grew back.

So you would think that after that experience I would on let someone who had previsouly wax me do it again, of course not! You see we smart girls sometime we just ain’t that smart. We have off days; we get desperate. Not to mention the lady who normally waxed my eyebrows (and usually did a good job) started giving me attitude. It seems like in the last few years I am so bothering her to call and ask if I can get an eye wax. I mean seriously it takes like 3 minutes and you make 15 bucks I don’t see the problem, but whatever.

Which leads me to Bad Eyebrow wax #2. I was getting a pedicure at this little Asian place around the corner from my house. (I know you can already feel where this is going) I needed a touch up; we are talking no shaping of any kind. There were just a few big dark ones that were growing in faster than the others and I wanted them taken care of. My favorite pedicurist also does wax. So I thought well I can check it out I don’t need shaping or anything so I will try her out. It is like a super simple wax. So she takes me back, I lie down, she asks and I say “just a little clean up here [I point] no shaping.” She takes this to mean please remove my whole eyebrow. It doesn’t feel like she takes too much off really as she applies the knowing wax, strip, press, then off maneuver I know and trust. She even does the thing where she brushes the hairs up with a comb and then trims the hair (all fine I know some very expensive people who do this). She gives me a mirror I am thinking ok a little thin, I go to my car and look in the mirror and am horrified by what is staring back at me. I mean we are talking Asian hoodlum BIG TIME. I look like I belonged in China town and pissed off at something at that. Not exactly a good look for a Portuguese girl. I have to say I have seen some beautiful Asian girls with super thin eyebrows by us chicas the Portugies- we don’t do thin eyebrows. So I go home and my Mom calls which means I immediately start bawling and she is like what is wrong with you. I tell her my story she laughs and says how bad? Can you comb down and me, “nope we are in a drawing on situation only.” She says, “Aw honey I am sorry. I was just calling to tell you that Grandma is in the hospital and she is going to have to have 1 maybe 2 toes removed on Monday.” Me: Total and complete silence. Mom: Now that ought to give you some perspective. At least yours will grow back. And don’t you ever tell your Grandmother I said that; something tells me she won’t think it is as funny as we do.

Well mine did grow back, slowly over 2 months. I finally went to get them re-shaped by someone very trusted and she was like “oh honey I can do my best but we can’t shape them normally; there are some bald spots under here.” Which sends me into an internal mutter, “Damn lady does not know how to wax a frigging eyebrow and I have to keep paying for it, I am never letting her or someone I don’t know, or wasn’t explicitly referred wax my eyebrows again.” At which point if Husband could hear my thoughts (thank goodness he cannot) he would have called me Homer and laughed his ass off yet again.

Sheep

So it would probably help to tell you that I work on a college campus, and yes we do have Ag programs. This morning while furiously typing away my next cubbie mate told me that while her and her boyrfriend were driving home late one night last week she saw a sheep had been run over in the road.

I was in my zone and my response was, "what, a sheep?" Because when you hear sheep and ran over it permeates that brain fence you have around whatever it is that you may be doing. I mean it barrels right through and leaves you going huh, wtf? So she responds, "Yes a sheep, a sheep!" With such vigor I couldn't help but bust out laughing. So this is how the rest of the converstion went:

Me: What did you do?
Cubbie Mate: Well we drove home.
Me: OMG you didn't stop or call the police?
CM: No, no the campus police were already there and there were people everywhere. We just went home; besides it wasn't dead [I don't think]. It was just sort of lying there. I think someone broke it's leg.

I think the police were there to probably arrest it and put it back into custody.

Dreams

Ok so I have been having the most insane dreams. I mean we are talking the stuff that screeplay writers wished they dreamed of. So I thought I woudl share some of them with all of you. We are talking like I should be writing these down for posterity or for a serious look into my psyche.



This was last week. And this guy from my work (who is married to this girl that I talk to and is a supervisor for my dept) was like this super psychotic guy like Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men. He was explaining to me why he had to kill me in some non-descript apartment somewhere with really white walls. I told him that I just didn’t understand because I didn’t think that I had done anything to deserve it. He took me into the living room and I saw the cow killer thing that he used in the movie but he moved away from it and pulled a big machete out of a suitcase and came at me. I ran to a bedroom and locked myself in and Husband was in the bed propped up and working on homework. Then I remember thinking that he was going to be more angry and make me suffer so I let him in and turned around. He slammed the machete into the back of my neck. As I was slipping into oblivion I could feel my back was in pain and then went all warm and numb and then I woke up. I wasn’t all the way awake and I swear I could feel the same feeling in my neck it was creepy. I remember lying there thinking I need to make sure that I don’t tell Anita at work about this because then her Husband will find out and know that I know and he will come after me.


So then Saturday I have this dream that Lola (my baby dog) is sick. She has a brain tumor and it needs to be removed. She had gotten like super mean and aggressive and somehow that is how we found out. So I start crying. I start thinking that she needs to have a CT scan. I am like she needs Derek he is nice and he will help her so I need to take her to Dr. Shepard for the scan. I go to the phone book to look up Meredith's phone number so she can convince him and I realize that neither of them are real. They are fictious people and I have no idea who to call so I sit there and cry.




Sunday... I apparently won a trip to the North Pole. So I had to go to New York where I was going to be outfitted with all of this warm weather clothing and these snow screen things to walk in and we were going to travel by hiking from NYC to the North Pole. It didn’t take very long, I wasn’t cold, and it was gorgeous. I also got to go ice skating. When I went to come back in knew that I was going to be late for work and I was really worried. Then Paul showed up and said that he didn’t want to fly his plane and that he would ride with me commercially. So I fly back home promptly get off the plane and omg "remember" that I am pregnant and am not supposed to fly in first trimester and get all worried that I screwed it up and I was going to lose the baby. It was strange. And oh NCY looked like San Fran the whole time.



Wednesday: I had a totally crazy one last night and I waiting for something to job my memory. When it does I am so posting a part 2 baby.

One of my books

So I have basically been wanting to write my whole life. I mean I have had book ideas spinning through my head since adolescence; however, I lack discipline. How else did I manage to gain 35 pounds in almost 4 years of marriage? I'll tell you-no discipline.

So one of my themes that I was thinking the other day has been done time and time again. They say your first book is somewhat autobiographical seeing as how we all "write what we know." I have always wanted to write about a girl who is incredibly average (a lot like me) who eventually figures out that she is un-average and truly extraordinary. So I was going to start this book and then I was like fuck! I haven't exactly figured that out yet.

So the question is how do you write about something you don't even know; that you are not even sure exists? I am sure that Husband knows what makes me special maybe even my Mother but how the hell am I supposed to know unless someone tells me? I mean is this supposed to be something that I just know? Do I get to figure out while I am still young enough to do something about it? I am not fishing for compliments here I seriously don't know. I think I may have to write my book on Sisters instead. My Sister, my only sibling, now she is where it's at. She has more personality in her pinkie finger than some people ever hope to have. Now I think I give her a run for her money but nevertheless she seems to embody it more. It must be more of the oldest child curse. You know, you oldest siblings, what I am talking about. WE GET SCREWED!!

So maybe someday I will write my book. The problem is that the truth always hurts a little bit. Even if you write something of pure fiction those around you will read it and see the things about themselves that they are afraid of in your characters flaws. How do you assure them that it isn't them? Especially if it partially is? Those around us inspire us and we couldn't do it without them right?

Busy, Busy, Busy

So yes I have been incredibly neglectful of my new little baby blog. It is a really good thing that I have dogs and not fish. Although Husband has a fish but I swear I have never fed it...not even once. I find it truly amazing that it is even alive. Especially since it has no name. I mean if I had not name who knows how much a will to live I would have. The second fish did totally commit suicide a few weeks back. It went thrashing about when Husband tried to clean out it's tank. Idiot.

So anyway Husband is in finishing school. We did the I work part time and he works full time while I finish school (I graduated a few years ago) and now he is finishing school and working full time, bless him. So he lovingly left all of his elective units until his last semester. So that means that this fall sucks royally. I mean royally. I hardly get to see him because he is always in class and when he is home he is doing homework. Like now he is doing homework, I am waiting for him to get to a stopping point so I can eat. Soon he will be done and then we will both be done and who knows what after that...