Oh Dear

Seeing as how we are about to have a baby and well eventually that child will remember every thing that we say and throw it in our face, at the most inopportune time of course, the Husband and I have recently had several conversations discussing how we need to start WATCHING OUR MOUTHS.

I mean I would be lying if I didn’t preface this with the fact that the old Chewy Quaker Oat granola bar commercial is my favorite of all time. You know the one with all the children that say terribly embarrassing thing at the worst time and at the end the voiceover says something like “when your kid needs something in its mouth…” These lovely children embarrassed their parents by repeating things like, “My Mom said she thought you’d never show your face in this town again,” and “My Sister dresses like a fluzy!”

So two things happened recently to really bring this home for me.

The Husband and I were discussing how he really needed to cute back on the racial comments. I mean don’t get me wrong he is not racist or anything like that but he doesn’t always avoid a stereotyped comment. I have expressed with absolute clarity that our kids will not be learning that crap from us so he needs to knock it off. As we are watching TV one night and talking about this very thing, because of a comment naturally, we are also looking through his baby book his Mom made. In the section of firsts it is listed that his first word was Mama, second was Dada and the third was of course….cracker. We promptly dissolved into fits of laughter. We are both sure that he was clearly referring to an actual cracker but still…awesome timing.

The second was last night. A really good friend from DC is in town to visit. She came to dinner last night along with the other spoke of our wheel my http://singininthekitchen.blogspot.com/ dear friend. We have a nice time eating dinner, rocking Jeopardy, and playing with Singing’s new baby. We even talk about this exact thing. Any-who as we walk them out I say something like, “Man it is fricking cold out here or Man I have to fricking pee! (Can’t remember which) I promptly followed that up with a proud, “See babe I am trying I didn’t say the F-word!” Not two seconds later as we round the corner of our car to see them off I exclaim, “holy shit you guys that is a huge fricking dog!” The result is that we are all doubled over laughing, I feel like a complete idiot and a bad example for my child, Singing is asking if she can blog about this today, I get a head pat from Husband like “oh wow what will I do with you,” and yes I think my 22 week pregnant body may have peed just the tiniest bit from laughter.

Good times for sure.

Little Ears

So I read about two weeks ago in my babycenter email that Baby Charlotte is really starting to hear now. They encouraged the parents to talk to the baby and play the baby classical music and so on. Now Husband is like Classical? How about some Zepplin? I tend to agree with him. I am sure the baby could learn more about musicality and good creative writing skills from Zepplin that Chopin but hey that’s just me.

So one night we are sitting on the couch going round and round what should we do about dinner? We had forgotten to take anything out of the freezer and we were doing our “what do you want, no what do you want, what are your top three dance.” And yes it is truly as annoying as it sounds. So annoying in fact it makes me often want to throw up my hands and yell “never mind I am NOT hungry anymore;” which would we both know would be utterly untrue. So I take a break for the pointlessness of our conversation and redirect. This is how that goes:

Me: “You should talk to the baby.”

H: “Hi baby”

Me: “ No I mean say something to her (as I move his head lower to my stomach) tell her something important.” I expected him to say something like I really love your mom or I can’t wait to me you but no of course not. Could he make it that easy? Instead I get…

H: “Baby your Mom thinks she is right A LOT. And I just want to make sure you know right now that she isn’t always right. I get to be right sometimes too.”


I could hardly hear the end over my belly roll of laughter. I wanted to swat him but you know what he was right. At least the kid isn’t getting boring parents right?

Update

This week (20th ) marks the point of where I really started to feel our baby. Several weeks back I had a icky flutter feeling that almost felt like I was getting a stomach ache and then it would subside a bit and I realized what it was. It was not very strong and intermittent and when I would feel it I would try to hang on as long as I could but how can you hang on to air? BUT earlier this week I definitely felt a push on something. It is almost like a small muscle twitch except it doesn’t repeat itself right away. It is definitely like the coolest thing so far next to actually seeing her. And I am happy to report friends that it looks like we are having a very healthy baby girl. We only have one test left to go as a double check and I am excited to see her again. Sadly this next scan will be the last time I likely see her until she is born and that seems so far away! Pregnancy is so long!! I am sure it will start picking up from here. I will have more nights where I almost fall over in the shower trying to reach my ankles, nights getting up to pee, mornings trying to find shoes (so some things don’t change).

I can’t wait for Husband to be able to feel her too. It should be soon!

Sick= Ugh

I don't like being sick. In fact I truly hate it. My boss may think I like being sick because of how much it seems to happen; but really I don't. In fact I go to great lengths to prevent it. I am one of those people who religiously always washes her hands, with soap and warm water, for at least 20 seconds and opens every door knob on the way back to my desk with a paper towel where I promptly sanitize. Now some of you may think that is insane and I am creating super germs blah, blah, blah whatever. I know the truth which is that the world is covered in feces and I am just smart to avoid it. There is no less than one article a week on MSN that supports my claim. I do not do this at home, we do not remove our shoes while we are indoors (yet), and I do not even lysol at home unless someone has actually been sick.

Normally these tactics work great for me. I do get headaches and this pregnancy seems to be causing me a constant minor cold but other than that I usually do pretty good. Then this week I either get a cold or a bad allergic reaction and I am down 3 days; it blew. But now Husband either has what I had or some breed of something else and it really, really blows. It physically pains me to see him ill. Maybe someday when I have seen it a few more times I will get used to it but he so rarely gets sick usually. I just hate that he isn't well and that there isn't anything that I can do to make him feel better. He also is a man of course so he talks back at any sort of treatment and is belligerent at times. He has been considerably less whiny this time than last but he is fighting me on fever reduction. All of sudden he won't drink any water and he refuses to sleep with a sheet only. I am like give me that blanket my Mom said so! So hopefully by the time he wakes up tomorrow (I just put him to bed after his 2 hour nap on the couch) he will be getting better already. He usually recovers in half the time I do so that is possible.

So to any of you out there whose spouses are sick (probably much sicker than mine) I sympathize with you in the purest of ways. I cannot imagine how hard it will be to stand by and watch this child that I am carrying when it is sick or heartbroken. How as parents can you stomach life? I keep thinking that when my Mom had me this country was in a terrible recession and then she saw prosperity for a while. Although I still feel this world is worth bringing a child into I cannot help but be discouraged. When will we find a cure for cancer? When will adolescents not beat up their friends and post it on You Tube? When will be all be financially solvent and what will we look like when it happens.

See this is what happens when I am stressed and worried and up past my bedtime on the internet.

Doughnuts

I have never been one who has had a doughnut issue or problem. I know there are those (you know who you are) where doughnuts are like a personal food group. My darling 110 pound adult Sister may be one of them; along with chocolate chip cookies, ice cream cones, and high fructose corn syrup. Girlfriend has a sweet tooth. Love you Munch!

So anyway, all this to say that doughnuts are very important to some people; just usually not to me. So why then did I have a lengthy dream last night, one in which I woke up several times only to return back to the same spot, on a quest for doughnuts from a reputable doughnut shop? It was like a Dude Where’s My Car? or a Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle- esqe quest.

I did eventually obtain my two dozen doughnuts and the glazed ones were awesome. I took them to work and NO ONE ate a single doughnut the whole day at work. So then by the end of the dream work day I was pissed that I had put so much effort into getting these ungrateful people doughnuts and they didn’t even eat them.
This may be one of my stranger pregnant dreams. When will I dream about the baby? What is all this food crap? Note to internet although I seem obsessed with food and drink I have not gained yet AT ALL!!!

New Pregnant Dreams

So the freaky pregnant dreams are here…and with a vengeance. I almost thought that I was going to be immune and they would never appear. The strangest thing about that is that I have extremely vivid and often completely ridiculous dreams on a normal basis. And that is even without Nyquil; you throw Nyquil into the mix and I never know what my subconscious will do.

I once had a dream about this really scary old man. I was with Husband and his best friend in this large like warehouse thing that had all sorts of trinkets and inventions that were haphazardly strewn about; a lot like Doc’s house in Back to the Future. There was this old elevator looking thing that was suspending from the ceiling that looked like a metal container and had a wheel with spokes that turned on the outside to lock a person, or something else, in. It looked like the container that they lock the glowing girl in to transport her to the U.S. in the animated movie Atlantis. So anyway this crazy old man with nutso hair like Einstein shows up at some point and we lock him in there. And no I don’t know why. So we (Husband and I) go into this little room to sleep and the room has two doors on the wall that faces the bed. I wake up in the middle of the night (in the dream) and realize that I have heard a noise. So I get up and go lock the farthest (I know stupid) of the two doors as it was ajar. I run and leap back into bed and put my head under the covers. About the time I realize I didn’t lock the other door. I lift my head out to get up again and there is the OLD MAN leaning over me and reaching out; and he looked pissed. It is at this point that I wake up screaming and scare the living crap out of Husband. Our closet door is on my side of the bed and I swear to this day I cannot sleep with that door ajar. Every once in a while if Husband is being a pain he will tell go close the closet door you don’t want the old man coming out tonight which scares the crap out of me right before I go to bed. I know, isn’t he so sweet?

So yes that is an old dream; but this week a very unusual thing happened to me. I started a dream on Sunday night and Monday night when I went back to sleep it picked back up where I left off. Now that is a subconscious that likes to have the last word. Apparently it hates my incessant nighttime peeing and my morning alarm as much as I do. So starting Sunday night, in the dream, apparently my Mother and Step-Dad did something illegal and flee the country. CJ and I were able to arrange some sort of secret meeting with someone who was able to give us a clue to there whereabouts. I know there was a lighthouse involved (I recently read a book that centered on one) and I know that we found out they were on an island. We were not sure how we were going to get there. So then Monday night Sister and BIL (bro-in-law) join our cause and we are all trying to figure out how we are going to get there together. I know lawn chairs were involved in that discussion but I cannot remember in which way. For all I know I may have just been sitting on one; it was bamboo. So I tell my Mom about this yesterday and caution her from doing anything illegal (which is hilarious if you knew how straight laced my Moms is) and her response is well crap what else am I supposed to do this weekend? So yes folks that is apparently where I get it from.

So in the wee hours of this morning I wake up to pee; again. As I am walking to the bathroom I realize I am freezing which quickly segues into the fact that I am no longer wearing a shirt. About this time I logically (imagine that) remember that I had gotten something on my shirt and had taken it off. Which leads me to think (while peeing) but I was sleeping how did I get my shirt dirty? As I walk back to bed I remember that a bird had pooped on my shirt; which took me back to the “what the hell I was sleeping” thought. Then I am like great you are a dumbass. So yes a bird pooped on my shirt in a dream which apparently leads to me waking up in the middle of the night and taking my shirt off so my bed doesn’t get dirty.

Last night in yet another dream I also apparently needed to attend a pre-natal appointment. I am guessing that Husband couldn’t come because Red was attending with me. So we are led into this very large examining room and I am told to get undressed. I nicely tell the assistant that this is just a check-up and I am not due for any kind of physical today. She says yes you are you have ____ (some test I cannot remember) and you will need to wear this gown. This scary large woman then comes in and starts pouring me a glass of this radioactive stuff that smells like bananas. Now let me tell you that I have had to drink similar stuff before for a CT scan and it-is-not-pretty. So they are both saying you need this test so just drink it. The little nurse says well it isn’t as bad as an amniocentesis and I am like what are you people talking about? I yell I am 25 years old and in good health I don’t need any of your crazy stupid tests and burst into tears. I quickly woke up and actually I think that is when I discovered I was no longer wearing my shirt. J

News!

A good friend of mine who apparently reads my blog (very cool btw) has mentioned to me over the past few weeks that I have sorely neglected my readership. I think she may be the only one but nevertheless it is a bummer when my favorite blogs don’t write in forever; I mean they do know we need escape from work here and there right?

It was hard to write in my blog there for a while because Husband and I were trying to keep the fact that I got pregnant again right away under wraps. Surprisingly enough, we actually accomplished this. So yes I am pregnant again. I am 14 weeks tomorrow and I am feeling great- well emotionally; physically I feel like crap most of the time. Although the all day everyday nausea has seemingly wore off I am still ridiculously exhausted, my back almost always aches, I get terrible headaches almost daily, and apparently heartburn has taken up permanent residence in my body. I fear it has completed it’s take over and will now occupy my digestive tract for another 26 weeks. And of course that thought makes we want to cry and stop eating in general; which would make me very cranky and would have an obviously negative impact on Jelly Bean. So eat I do but nothing sounds good anymore because of the heartburn or the raging headache that makes my head spin.

But enough of the complaints because I am so freaking excited! I know how much of a blessing it is to be pregnant right now and for things to be going well. Jelly Bean appears to be healthy and right on track. This experience has been so different than the one before it. I could feel from 6 weeks that my body was different and that this time things would be different and the doctor confirmed this time was different. Although in the first few weeks every time I felt a twinge or had to pee I quickly made my way to the bathroom to check out the situation. That was when my heart would start pounding and sometimes my breath would catch. Was it just pee? The sigh of relief every time I got a pee only paper reading was exhausting. It was shortly after this time that I just sort of felt a peace about the situation. Although the thought of losing another baby made me feel like I was going to hyperventilate; I dealt with it.

The morning that I found out I was pregnant followed a very busy Thanksgiving weekend where we had done some traveling and I had drank some cocktails. This coupled with what happened in October had Husband reeling (not to mention it was his birthday and I took the test at 6:15 a.m.) and so he sort of freaked out so then I sort of freaked out and called my Mom bawling at 6:45 in the morning. She assured me that every thing was probably fine and that this baby needed a Mom who could handle the things life threw at her. Coming from my Mom this was like a WOW. My Mom knows a lot about being a Mom in the face of sometimes really crappy situations. Anyway she was excited and it spread to me.

Fast forward at my 6 week doctor appointment they did an U/S and we were able to see that the baby had in fact implanted into the uterine wall. At 9 weeks we were able to see some arm buds and the heartbeat beating on the screen. It is like this little blinking section of the color part of the baby. It was crazy. It happens so fast. I really wish they would let you sit in there for at least 5 minutes and just get to stare you know. Anyway at 12 weeks we heard the heartbeat and that was amazing. It wasn’t until we were walking out of the doctor’s office that I started to cry. It really is just an amazing, amazing thing. So now here I am almost 14 weeks and loving this situation. It is hard sometimes knowing that so much is still up in the air. My work situation is in limbo until we know what Husband will do. He recently completed his degree so if he stays with his current employer than I will be taking a short maternity leave and I will back to work full time; no clue as to what town Jelly bean will be in day care yet. If he changes then I may be able to take a longer maternity leave and come back part time. Only time will tell we just have to wait it out and see. But either way we are both thrilled and cannot wait!

Getting Better

An update...I am feeling better. Doctor says everything is good; my body did exactly what it was supposed to. When I think of it now it isn't a surprise to my mind anymore. For days before I kept realizing it and it was like I was finding out all over again. I guess my mind has accepted it now. It is something sucky that happened; but it is so not the end. Thank you all dear friends for your kinds words and your support. We have felt very supported, cared for, and loved. We are thankful for you guys.

Shoes

I am one of those women who loves shoes.

Some women love handbags, diamonds, or chocolate. Not me; I love shoes.

The more outrageous the better. The people who actually know me can see that I am really more of a "brown" person. I don't wear a lot of prints or geometric shapes. I don't really own anything with flowers or decoration (unless they are PJ's which is my one other obsession). But when it comes to shoes I can't help but want the bright patent leather 4 inches that happen to be teal (which I own- they have a bow) or fuschia (which I am looking to own). I have heels with bows, buckles, zebra stripes, beads. It is almost personal to let someone look at my more bizarre shoes like somehow I am telling you a secret about myself that only Husband and a few select people know. Yes, my name is Erica and I am addicted to hot shoes.

The not so surprising thing...it is all my Mother's fault. I mean it really isn't, but talk about a women who loves her shoes. I am actually unaware of how many different pairs of black pumps my Mom has; let alone other colors. She has the dazzling red shiny pumps that I have coveted for years. I really don't know how my Sister turned out to be a purse girl seeing as how she had two shoe women as examples. I guess you can't teach everyone right? :) (She is probably sticking her tongue out at me right now).

So all of this to tell you that Husband bought me one of the hottest pairs of shoes that I am proud to say that I now own on Monday night. They are high, gold and brown, shiny, and they even have some areas of dark gold snake print. They are just crazy enough without looking super trashy. You may wonder why this is a big deal. Well I'll let you in on the scene of almost every shoe acquisition I have ever had while Husband was present:

H: Seriously...do you have room for those?

Me: Of course! I have room for like 5 more boxes high and 6 across on the top of my closet and when I run out of that room there is plenty of room in one of the three other closets in our house that is hosing piles of paper and crap that can be moved.

H: We are not moving my stuff out of closets for shoes.

Me: Well we dont have to there is plenty of room in my closet.

H: Ok well don't you already have a black pair of shoes?

Me: Well yes babe but the black ones that are short only go with long jeans and the tall ones with the buckle go well with skirts but not pants because then you can't see the buckle. But not all skirts because they are not exactly super conservative....etc. After about two explanations of this he is usually laughing or giving me the, "are you shitting me" look.

This time he was like those are great you should get them. It was an incredibly sweet moment and I felt understood and loved. I told him he doesn't need to buy me shoes to be a good Husband but he said he wanted to score some points. If you hate them just don't tell me.

A Little Lost

I am feeling pretty damn lost this morning. As I write this I am still in bed at 12:38 on a Saturday afternoon. It is a gorgeous day all cloudy and gloomy outside. I have to say that growing up in California I love to have a break in the sun now and then and see the gloom. It normally makes me even more happy, but today it is just wonderfully complimentary to my mood. Because you see I lost something yesterday; my first baby. The one that I have been waiting for my whole life.

I have always wanted to be a mother, always. I don't even know how to explain that this would just always be a part of my life. I guess a part of me just always assumed that it would be so easy since I knew that I was supposed to be a mother. I have always been the type to just persevere and do whatever it is I put my mind to. That has often helped me with things in life like finishing college when I wasn't always sure that I could; but I can't make this happen. I can't just do this because we decided to. That was difficult for me when we were trying; and even more difficult for me today. Seeing that second pink line was absolutely one of the coolest moments of my life. The day I read that my baby had a heartbeat made me feel like my own heart would explode. If it even did. Some of the tests suggest that things weren't going well even back then; we just didn't know it yet.

Fast forward to the news; just at 7 weeks and there is nothing I can do to make it better. And it hurts. Everything hurts. My Mom and Step-Dad drive home from L.A. my Sister comes to Erica sit, they cook and clean and take care of me. And why they are here I don't think too much. It's hard because I still feel pregnant. I woke up on Thursday and everything was fine and I went to bed on Thursday knowing that I was losing it-our baby; my body fails me. I hear that this doesn't really mean anything and that it doesn't mean that it will happen again, but now I am afraid. Even more than I was before. What if I am one of those people who this always happens to? Will I get to my dream of being a mother?

I guess I am just looking for something that will make me feel better, something that will make our pain go away. I thought writing about it might help. It just hurts emotionally and physically; and I am so exhausted. Thank you dear people who knew; for your kind words and hugs if you were close enough to give them. We are blessed to have such great people in our lives. I have to say of all the things this weekend has made me feel- incredibly loved was surely one of them.