Hi, I'm Erica and I am avoiding myself

It has been so hard for me to even think about blogging since the beginning of the year. It hasn’t been because I have been busy (although I have) or that I have writer’s block. To put it plain and simply I have been hiding.

I read once that when you tell people what you intend to do that it takes some of the excitement out of actually accomplishing something and the best way to buckle down and achieve your goals is to just keep your mouth shut and do it. However, in this situation I don’t think that is going to work for me. I need people to hold me accountable and encourage me. I have always been more a village person; and that isn’t to say that I don’t do anything on my own or that I don’t have any inner strength. I have always just more lived out there for people to see; good or bad. I have been blessed with good friendships and I don’t embarrass easily. This leads to my being asked for advice or to people unloading on me because they think I can take it or that I have been through something similar. I am sure a therapist could gleefully explain to you that when people ask me for help it brings me joy; and obviously sadness depending on the situation. Basically, I like to be needed.

Anyhow so I have been doing a lot of reflection about myself: where I am at, who I am, and who I want to be. I really haven’t thought of any of this as any sort of resolution type thing but more like just a general life goal. I, of course, want to look thinner and feel healthier. I’d like to get healthy and start exercising but that really isn’t what this is about.

I feel like I have spent the past few years just standing by watching my life happen by just doing my best to get through the day to day. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said, “Well when the babies are older” or “Maybe when I am not nursing anymore.” I got married while I was in college is 2005 (after dating for 3 years) and had my first baby in 2009. The Husband and I had a few years to ourselves being selfish and doing things that we wanted to do whenever. We had dates, stayed up late, I read several books a week, we went to Europe…. We were more than ready to have babies and settle down when we got pregnant with C and honestly the timing was perfect for us. I would be lying if I said I never cried about wanting 5 minutes to myself or to use the bathroom without a toddler banging on the door. However, I jumped into parenthood and never looked back and I really am happy with having this super domestic life right now. The problem isn’t that we had babies or that we even had them 21 months apart; the problem is that I don’t think I am fully living this life.

If any of you have a 2 year old, an 8 month old, and a job outside the home (or inside the home for that matter) then you know how much time it takes to take care of all of that. I think I have got lost in the shuffle; although, to be perfectly honest, this aspect of me has always been there. For example, recently I attended a birthday party for my niece. Eventually my Sister broke out her xbox Kinect thing and some dancing game. Per my usual I politely declined playing several times. It wasn’t until my Sister looked pretty bummed (as an older Sister I can’t stand putting that look on her face) that I agreed to do it. I felt like a total idiot dancing in front of her Husband’s whole family; but I did it, and you know what, it was fun.

My Sister has always been very aware of who she is and really has never cared what people think about her; whereas I have always been a talker and a joker (I can make people laugh) but other than that I would rather fade into the background. I am more of a Chandler I guess you can say. Well a Chandler seasons 1-4 pre Monica; except that as an adult I’ve always had my Husband.

In a nutshell I feel like I need to start being more of a DO-er. Instead of wishing I could be more crafty I want to just sit down and learn to crochet. Instead of lamenting how behind I am in scrapbooking I want to get up early, clean off my desk, and just DO it. Instead of thinking about taking C to the park on Saturday and then instead spend the time cleaning I want to leave the stupid laundry and take her. I want to get out there and try out a few churches and find a new home church.

I spend way too much time mired in the things I HAVE to do that I never get to the things I WANT to do. I need to start redefining the things I set as priorities and make time to do more things for fun. Who cares if I am dirt tired on Monday if I spent the weekend well?
I know sounds easy right; just do it and all that. Well it isn’t. It is February 14, 2012 and I haven’t yet done any of those things. I am not accomplishing these goals on my own. SO I guess I am putting it out there. I am officially on a quest to find a balance between the things I have to do and the things I want to do. I want to take more risks and try more things. I want to find that balance between being a good Mom, a good wife, and good to myself. Is that possible? Does it exist? I guess I’ll find out.

Turkeys

Have you ever worked with turkeys? No, I don’t mean the lame people you work with. I mean turkeys…the birds that you eat at Thanksgiving. Well if you have not let me tell you that Turkeys are pretty unintelligent animals. You see, there are cool animals like monkeys that can get a beer for you and watch your kids and then... there are turkeys. Turkeys easily get lost, can drown in a puddle (or from rain), and think black garbage bags are predators. I had the wonderful privilege of helping to move turkeys one time. This involves moving turkeys that are bred for eating from one barn to another as they outgrew the size of the first barn. Turkeys that are bred for meat are big, like really big. So big that the thought of walking into a barn full of them makes me want to pee myself. I don’t much care for birds and the idea of being pecked freaks me out; even more than raw poultry blech.

So moving turkeys involves herding like maneuvers with big black trash bags attached to things like PVC pipe to scare the turkeys into moving the direction you want them to move in. Sounds easy right? Yeah…umm no, it is not. First of all, your arms will scream out in pain from waving big giant bags on poles that don’t really resemble anything like a hawk or some other bird of prey. At least I am assuming that is what I imagine they are supposed to be emulating. Would it be cooler if they thought they were running from bears? I would run from a bear; no wait I think you are supposed to roll into a ball right? Shit, I better not camp until I figure that out. Secondly, turkeys are dumb. They will run in every direction you can imagine (including into each other), I swear they are suicidal and will run to water, and the best one they sit down. They just sit down like right in front of you so you trip on them and other turkeys trip on them. They become stubborn as an ass. You can gently kick them with your foot and they will just look at you with a, “kiss my ass” look on their face. Lastly, turkeys smell terribly but that isn’t really the point.

I tell you all of this because it has recently come to my attention that 2 year olds are just-like-turkeys. I know this because C is all into tantrums right now. When she gets told no, gets in trouble, or plain just doesn’t want to do something she flops onto the floor in a heap and will not freaking move. This generally prompts me to ask her if she wants a time out. She of course always responds with “noooo.” So I tell her to get up off the floor. Sometimes this works and sometimes it fails miserably. Yesterday morning I actually pushed her across our laminate floors with my foot towards her brother’s room so I could change her diaper. Toddlers are will run away from you at opportune time and are attracted to dangerous water. See? Todders = turkeys. That sounds like pretty solid math to me. I think I just did a proof right?

Mommy Sucks at Christmas Parenting

I don’t know what it is about Christmas this year. I am certainly not in any kind of funk or anything but I am not feeling overwhelmed with the Christmas spirit. I have missed all of the work Christmas parties because they all seem to be on Friday’s and I don’t work on Friday’s. I did find some awesome gifts for people but even that didn’t get me all excited. Here I am 4 days from Christmas and the most I can muster is a cool I have the next 13 days off in a row smile. I don’t know if I am still getting used to this three 10 hour a day schedule at work or what.

Unfortunately, this has turned into me being a crappy holiday parent. C is about 2 ¼ years old and well it never occurred to me until a month or so ago that I needed to teach her what Christmas is; and that she was old enough to understand the concept. Another major parenting fail is that we haven’t had her going to Sunday School- that right there would have solved my problem. So when this finally occurred to me I went home that night and found all of her books about Christmas and we started reading them repeatedly. I really do want her to understand Christmas as the religious holiday before we move onto the secular parts of the season. So we have been reading a book about baby Jesus’ birth. She can now identify the most important of the people involved (Mary, Joseph, Jesus, etc) and she keeps dragging the birthday hats out of the decorations box in the office and asking for birthday cake so something tells me I’ve got her on the right track.

We finally put up the Christmas tree on Sunday night and it has pretty twinkling lights but no ornaments. However, C hasn’t even seen the lights because we haven’t turned them on for her. You see what I am saying? I am totally sucking at holiday season parenting right now. I did get her something cool for Christmas and I sure she will enjoy the day but I can’t help but feel that I failed her in some way. This is her first Christmas that she can sort of understand and Mom dropped the ball.

I think I need to go to Zoolights tonight, watch Elf tomorrow, do some major baking on Friday, and maybe, just maybe, I will be more prepared for Christmas come Sunday. I haven’t even watched my requisite Christmas movies whilst wrapping presents yet. Every year I watch Love, Actually and The Notebook- which is not a Christmas movie at all but I watch it now once a year. Last year the Husband and I watched Saving Private Ryan while wrapping presents and even that felt more like Christmas. Whatever is the matter with me?

Sometimes they can be so sweet

Our Daughter C loves M-n-M’s; and I mean LOVES them. One of the first things she usually says in the morning is, “Mmmmmmnemms in a cup pease?” Mind you she doesn’t get M-n-M’s each day and certainly not for breakfast but, I suppose, 2 year old’s keep the faith that someday you will say yes.

I am not sure when but many months ago whenever we would give her a treat we would put it in the smallest little Tupperware bowl that came with our current set. C, calls these "cups." My kitchen is arranged so that C has access to all my Tupperware and all non-glass mixing bowls. She often pulls them all out and stacks them while I am cooking dinner. When she asks for raisins, cheerios, and even M-n-M’s I tell her to go get her cup.

I say all of that so you can understand how heart stopping sweet and adorable this child can be. Last night the Husband and I are watching a few minutes of Jeopardy after we finished dinner. Jeopardy is a family favorite in our house. C loves the show and gets very excited when it comes on and has since she was an infant; but I’ll write about that another day. So we are sitting there watching the show and C goes running out of the living room with purpose. I didn’t see she what she was doing but I don’t follow her around 24/7; she is a pretty independent child. I hear her open the Tupperware cabinet and then shut the doors. Then the adorable slap slap slap of toddler feet comes bounding into the living room. I assumed she was getting a “cup” to make her M-n-M request.

She walks into the living room and hands her Dad a cup with a mint in it and then she walks over to me and hands me one with a mint in it. I guess she thought since we ate all our dinner that we needed a treat. It was such a sweet moment and I was fighting back tears. I told her “Thank you baby that was so nice.” She responded “Welcome Mommy,” and then took off like she didn’t feel the ground shift beneath her feet like I did. I was so tired from my 10 hour day and I have been under so much stress; and that moment made it all worth it.

And then I felt like a jerk

I can’t get my eyebrows waxed without thinking about my Grandma’s toes. You may be thinking what on earth do eyebrows have to do with toes? My answer to that would be well nothing to normal people; but I don’t really know any of those so I can’t go ask one. Here hold my hand; I’ll walk you into the depths of my crazy brain.

So if you don’t already know me I guess I should tell you that I am Portuguese. Although for being Portuguese I guess I am really not all that hairy of a person but hairy enough that I’ve got to get my eyebrows waxed at least once a month. I believe I wrote a previous post on this. Anywho, so one Sunday I went to get a pedicure from the small place around the corner from my house. Getting pedicures once on a month on lazy Sundays afternoons used to be consistent ritual of mine; you know before I had kids. So as I am getting my pedicure the young woman whose Husband ran the shop told me that I should let her wax my eyebrows because mine needed it. It was true but damn if that doesn’t sting a little.

So after my toenails dried I went to get the wax done. She brushed up the brow hairs and cut them down, which seriously always makes me really nervous, and then she applied the wax and did her thing. I didn’t really think much about it because she didn’t leave the wax on for an abnormal amount of time or anything like that. Small side note: that happened to me once and she pulled off like 3 layers of my skin and I had burn marks on my face for several days. I still won’t go back to that place. I have no idea why I didn’t just get out of the chair when I knew she was doing it wrong; but I really hate to be rude!

So I pay them for my services and I leave. I jump in the car and take a quick look at my eyebrows in the rearview mirror before driving away. What was staring back at me was scary. That woman had like completely waxed off almost my entire eyebrow on both sides. You could see bald spots in them and they were like gone; and I mean gone. I am sure that some people look good with minimal eyebrows but I am not one of them. I am meant to have some regular looking eyebrows here. So I quickly drive home to get a better look. Unfortunately, the view from my huge bathroom mirror didn’t make them look any better. I bet you are wondering what the hell does this have to do with her Grandma or her toes.

Well here you go I will tell you. Just as I start to tear up a little bit my Mom calls. I may have been 24 or 25 but you bet as soon as I heard my Mom’s voice I was actually crying.

“Moooom that stupid woman waxed off all of my eyebrows. I look ridiculous and now I have to go to Walmart looking like a chola to buy an eyebrow pencil.”

She pauses and responds with, “Umm I was just calling to tell you that one of Grandma’s toes is infected and well they are going to do surgery and cut it off this week.”

Aaannnd she is met with total silence. I believe my response was something like, “hold up what?”

Then my Mom starts laughing and says, “Bet that gave you a little perspective now didn’t it.”

So now here 4 or 5 years later I can’t help but think of my Grandma’s toes when I get a wax. My poor Grandma...at least my eyebrows grew back. She hides it well though I’ve never actually seen the space where the toe was.

It's a good thing my Mom love me

This is an actual copy of an email I sent my Mom this morning. I didn't realize until she sent it back with a reply that I totally sounded like I have ADD; but I promist I don't!

You need an IM account. Here are a small example of the little things I have wanted to tell you this morning that don't separately really call for an email but I'll forget if I have to wait...

- I had a pesto bagel this morning and it was really awesome. I am sure you would like it.
- I tentatively added Chicken Pot Pies to the book list
- It looks like Edwards might be sold out for Break Dawn midnight showing tickets and they have not yet been released yet to buy at Sierra Vista. If you have an "in" you may want to cash that chip.
- Are you guys coming for Survivor tonight?
- What happen' with tomorrow?
- I am full because our breakfast pot luck today was awesome.
- All of a sudden this week I am not pumping much milk and I find that annoying.
- Did you still want to take family pictures?
- Did you hear it is supposed to rain this weekend?
- Linky was super smiley this morning but C has a runny nose.
- My daughter was gruuuum-py last night.

Yep I am that cool.

Space (and shit)

Actual conversation between me and the Husband today:

Cj: Did you know Stairway to Heaven came out 40 years ago today?
Me: I saw that article.
Cj: Heard about the asteroid that will pass by the earth tonight closer than the moon?
Me: No. Do you want me to sleep tonight?
Cj: Oh I figured you had heard and just not said anything.
Me: No.
Cj: Uhh ok I am assuming you don’t want me to tell you about it.
Me: Nope.

This may seem like a totally innocent conversation people but it so totally isn’t!! I hate space (and shit) and I always have. My brain with its limited spatial skills can’t really grasp the concept of outer space. In fact, the thought of it scares the holy crapola out of me. He knows this so what does he do? He brings up asteroids coming close to the earth; and you know what? I don’t have the time to freak out about that tonight. Plus, I am pretty sure Ben Affleck is busywith his two daughters and pregnant wife and everything he can’t go take care of that crap. They might be able to get Bruce Willis, I mean I haven’t seen that guy do anything in a while, but he might be busy stalking Ashton Kutcher so he can pummel him for cheating on his ex-wife.

So thanks Husband for screwing with my head. You are forcing my hand to talk about periods or something just to screw with you. Hmm that doesn’t really freak him out though. Maybe I’ll start crying about wanting a new baby; that ought to scare the crap out of him.

I might need a jump

I was leaving work the other day and I saw some kids in the parking lot jumping a car. Presumably it was one of theirs or they are really crappy thieves. Anyway, the thought popped in my head that I should really learn how to use jumper cables just in case I ever need a jump (of the car variety). Then my mind went all 2011 and I was like well nah I have an app for that. I could always just use my “How to” app. Then I was like oh wait what if my phone isn’t charged then I’d be screwed and I just turned off my *Onstar. Then I saw the on campus farm market and started thinking about ice cream.

I really should learn how to use jumper cables. I will add that to the “Things I Should Probably Learn” list like: how to pick a lock, find out when the sun might burn out, and why did Steve Perry leave Journey.

Man it has been long time...

Isn’t it funny how insanely fast life can pass you by? The last time I blogged my daughter C was a mere 9 months old. Today….she’s 2 AND 2 ½ months old. She is always running and screaming since apparently little girls can’t seem to do one without the other simultaneously. She can also identify all of her ABC’s, count to 14, and sing Twinkle Twinkle in an understandable though not exactly correct rendition. She is the moon and the stars and keeps my heart a beatin’. She is also defiant, loud, and frequently causes me to take up residence at the end of my rope.

Then when C was a mere 12 months old Mommy got all confused and got pregnant with L. He was born on a cool Saturday in May and started shaking everything up. No one ever told me that going from 1 baby to 2 more than doubles the work. In many ways he is the exact opposite of C. He doesn’t sleep all that well whereas C slept like an angel from 8 weeks. He is a big time snuggler though and she never was. He adores watching C sing and play and I can’t wait to see them running around together.

Other than that life is good. We moved almost an hour closer to work early in 2011 and that has really given us our life back. We get to spend more time with the kids and less time sitting in the car. I spend most of time chasing kids, nursing, and being hooked up to a breast pump; I know super exciting right. I know that I am super blessed to be able to nurse for so long but Momma is ready for a break. I have been pregnant or nursing for 37 straight months….yep 37. I am so ready to have a cocktail without having to plan the crap out of it and go out of town with my Husband. All in good time I suppose. Maybe I will actually update something on here sometime soon. We’ll see!

You should feel better about yourself in 1...2...

I. Am. A. Dork.

It’s true. As a kid I preferred to read than play with kids my age. My poor baby Sister was always trying to get me to go outside and play with her; but alas, I preferred to prop my feet up and read the latest Baby Sitter’s Club book. The day I had to give all of those up a yard sale was oh so sad; anyhow, I digress. So I thought I would let you in on a new secret shame that outlines just how much of a dork I really am.

My job involves a yearly edit of the major requirements in our course catalog. If you have ever attended college of any sort you should know what a catalog is. Anyhow as I peruse through the majors I have to highlight all of the requirements for each and then I go back through and compare that to last year’s requirements. I identify the changes and eventually I change all sort s of public documents with the changes. Seems all innocent and simple right?

Well the thing is that I am very selective with my highlighter colors. Many majors have options and those options have emphases and so the easiest thing to do is use several different colors to make the information pop out. Some years ago I decided that the color should fit the major. For example: I use a yellow highlighter for the construction major because it is the closest color to wood. Here is a small list of the others that seem to go for me and the corresponding reasons why.

- Blue for Geography because most of our planet is water.
- Green for plant science because duh most plants are green.
- Yellow for Chicano studies because it made me think of awesome tortillas and those are made with corn and corn is yellow.
- Green for economics because money is green.
- Yellow for Electrical Eng because for some reason it made me think of electricity which seemed sunny to me- you know they are both sources of power.
- Blue for computer science because in the matrix there was a blue pill and although I don’t know if that is the one Neal chose or even if the matrix has anything in the world to do with computers that is what I think of when I see computer science.
- Orange for Geology because it is the closest thing I have to a rock color.

I could go on and on. I only wish I was kidding.